I apologize in advance, this will be very long but I really need some opinions here, my MIL has generally been alright in the 14 years I’ve been with my husband. Occasionally overbearing and forgets a couple boundaries but never anything unforgivable.
Like so many people on this sub, however, this has changed dramatically since announcing we were pregnant last year and having the first grandchild. From the announcement itself, MIL has been weird. About 10 years ago she had breast cancer and piled a lot of pressure on DH and I to have a baby. We were not in that headspace at all in our early twenties and turns out we had problems conceiving. So after about 5 years of trying, including a full year of fertility treatments we were finally expecting our IVF baby. We traveled to his parents and told them the great news. She was delighted, “that’s wonderful news”, then we tell her it’s a boy she pulls a face and says “oh, that’s less good news. Not to worry, the next one can be a girl”. MIL has 3 sons and has made no secret of the fact that she always wanted a girl.
We told her how difficult it was to have this one baby , that it was a risky pregnancy and probably the only one we would have. She tells me, “you don’t need to be ashamed of how you got pregnant, we don’t care. The baby is all that matters”
DH waited until we were home and had a call with MIL and told her that the reaction wasn’t nice and that he had hoped for a better one. Cue three weeks of silence, FIL texts DH to tell home MIL is too scared to talk to us. DH mends fences and all is well.
I then had some bleeding and got put on bedrest for the last two trimesters. MIL very put out that we’re not there for Xmas. She never gets in touch with me, or see how I’m doing. But sends messages on the group chat:
– she can’t wait to take baby on holidays with her other grandma friends, talking about Cape Canaveral down the south of France.
– Sends pics of the outfits she knitted for baby while I was in hospital. Didn’t immediately reply so she gave them away.
– Constantly telling my husband how awful pregnancy will be and that the next stage will be worse for me.
My due date approaches, doctors are concerned for me and as I’m on specific medication I was induced a few weeks early. MIL had actually cleared the entire month of the birth and is miffed she wasn’t invited the maternity hospital. Turns out I had to have a c-section and was out 3days after gong birth. MIL turns up 4days later, I’m 1 week postpartum,in an awful lot of pain and still adjusting to life with a newborn. They stay in a hotel nearby. They turn up at lunch time and leave at dinner time. Telling us how we don’t need to worry about them, they will get dinner at the hotel…not even an offer to pick up a takeaway for us. They swing by the next morning and off they go. They stopped at a bakery FOR THEMSELVES…..
A few weeks later, DH goes back to work. Gets COVID and has to isolate. MIL offers to come help me, but couldn’t be there for at least a week. We say, thanks but no thanks. I eventually get covid and so does baby. Baby is fine, but between being sick and taking care of a 7week old baby we don’t have a lot of time. MIL did not appreciate the lack of updates and made snarky passive aggressive comments by group chat. DH sets her straight that we don’t always have time to reply immediately and baby is our priority. Another 2 weeks of silence.
Mother’s Day comes in her country, DH doesn’t want to but I buy her a present. She’s starting a botany course, so get her a good pair of secateurs and a sort of book for botany specimens. She texts “package received, thanks. But the only present I care about was born in March”
MIL than asks to come visit, we say sure just tell us when. Two weeks later she says oh I’d like to come this weekend. Too bad MIL my brother and his girlfriend are visiting. We offer to come visit in June, but apparently she’s fully booked and we have another two weeks of silence.
We’re trying to organise a naming ceremony for baby in my home country. We ask MIL if she could make it in September, nope fully booked and then she will be doing her course so she won’t have time afterwards . Ok no prob, how about end of august since this was the earliest we can organise it for. No can do, She needs that weekend to pack for her holiday the following week . She also asking why we haven’t checked with DHs brothers, we tell her that we were starting with them first and work with other family members after.
She asks why don’t we do a second ceremony for the French family. We’re honest and say that we don’t have the money to do two. In any case, it doesn’t seem like they have any free time so what would be the point.
I ask MIL and FIL point blank when do they want to see baby again. FIL says they’re free in July. Ok cool, we have a 9 hour trip that we were planning to break up so we’d stop by. FIL replies great, we’d be happy to see you. No offer to stay with them . MIL never even acknowledged anything and is currently ignoring us.
If you have made it this far, thank you for your patience! I’m just confused at MIL, I don’t know what is going on. I don’t want my son to miss out on a relationship with his grandparents. At the same time, this immature behavior can’t go on. Am I best confronting MIL about it? Why does she seem to blow hot and cold over seeing her grandkid? Is it just getting huffy over the boundaries we have set? Things aren’t awful but they are progressively getting worse, what can I do?