toxic parent

TRIGGER WARNING: sexually harrassed, rape, suicide
My mom is a single parent which means that I grew up without my dad. I don’t really know what happened but from what I heard they decided to go on separate ways after she caught him cheating on her multiple times. SO my hatred grew as time goes by, I’m already 19 now and I had a bad childhood. I got sexually harassed when I was still in elementary and I told her that our neighbor touched me in appropriate places without even knowing that it was wrong not until I was 17-18 years old. I also got raped when I was 13 years old by a guy who I trusted and she defended him saying that I wanted it, and I invited him to do it since I was being overly clingy. She physically abused me and she still does not as often as before but still does. Even with the smallest mistakes, she easily says words that hurt me like wishing that I shouldn’t have been born or I am no use, I haven’t done my obligations as a daughter. Just a while ago it was raining hard and I forgot to close the windows and put the covers on the balcony because I was preparing breakfast, so it made a little puddle on the floor and she just exploded. She said mean things and she threatened me that she won’t support me financially anymore. That I shouldn’t go to school because I didn’t learn anything and I’m not capable of doing simple things. I feel hurt. I wake up every day from around 7:30 to 8:30 am to clean the house, prepare food, wash dishes, and do errands for her. Still, she does not appreciate it. I really want to move out and right now I am trying my best to get into the State Univesity here in the country so that she won’t have to deal with the financial problems relating to my education. It feels like I’m useless and not worthy of any love. She also likes to involve my boyfriend in every argument we have. Saying that I changed because of my boyfriend and I am willing to do anything for him but not for her. I feel bad that my boyfriend gets included in these problems. I’m really hopeless the only solution I can consider right now is to give up. I don’t want to burden her anymore or anyone including my boyfriend. I’ve got no one to go to. I don’t have a father and it feels like I also don’t have a mom.

toxic parent