MIL is a Serial Boundary Violator

I’m starting to realize that my MIL is a serial boundary violator . The thing is, the way SBV crosses boundaries is often so disguised by generosity and kindness, that I almost don’t realize that she’s overstepped until I start getting that little uncomfy feeling in my gut. And then, I end up just letting it go because I tell myself she means well, she just loves her family, and what kind of monster would I be if I hurt her feelings by saying something?

But recently, SBV crossed several boundaries so close together that I’m having a hard time excusing her behavior. Someone tell me if I’m just being overly sensitive…

Here’s what’s happened in the past week:

-SBV came to stay at our home to help with our 5 month old son while I was out of town for an overnight girls’ trip. SBV saw my husband checking the video baby monitor on the app on his phone and asked him to give her access to it on her phone so she could “watch him sleep” from her house. Husband shut that down right away.

-My husband’s brother and his family were in town to visit and staying with SBV and my FIL. They hadn’t met our son yet, and I was so excited to introduce them and for my husband and I to get to share about his first few months earthside with my BIL and SIL. When we got there, SBV had already shared my entire birth story, all of my son’s recent milestones, how he’s doing at daycare, all about my breastfeeding journey, etc. SBV even took it upon herself to micromanage how the cousins played with my son, who could hold him and when, basically stripping me of every fun part of introducing my own son to his extended family for the first time.

-The final straw: my dad texted me a picture of my son at SBV’s house. I asked if SBV had shared the photo with him, and he said he stole it from her Facebook page. I had no idea she was sharing photos of my son! She didn’t have permission, and I hadn’t gotten any kind of notification that she’d posted about him. When I checked SBV’s Facebook, she had at least 4 recent posts, all of my son with photos I had no idea she’d even taken, with other family members tagged but without tagging me, and with permissions set to allow anyone she’s friends with and the friends of anyone tagged to see the photos.

I’m very selective of what I post of my son. I feel very strongly about his right to consent to his own online presence when he is older, and for now I only share formal family photos and otherwise have only made a post for our first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day. Things I would expect him not to be bothered by when he’s older. Right now, my husband and I are the only ones who can consent on his behalf, so I feel like I should have had the opportunity to approve of what she wanted to post.

I’m so angry, and I feel so violated. I know this was something I discussed with her before my son was born. I may not have explicitly said she can’t post photos without permission, but I know I told her I was limiting his social media presence. My husband doesn’t use any social media, so he’s having a hard time understanding why I’m so upset.

So, am I being unreasonable here?

ETA: My husband has no issue telling his mom to cut it out. He consistently chooses me and my feelings over his mom. But he’s the kind of person who wants to truly understand *why* something is bothersome before he says something. And sometimes when he personally wouldn’t be bothered, he has a hard time seeing my perspective. He is always willing to listen though, I just don’t always explain it in ways that resonate with him. Like with the whole SBV introducing my son to the extended family without including me thing…it didn’t bother him because he doesn’t like talking to people much or answering their questions. But once I explained how I felt about it, he said he could see why I was upset. He’s just not a very emotionally deep person.

MIL is a Serial Boundary Violator