Long time lurker, first time poster. Please forgive errors, I’m on my phone. Please don’t steal my story

My entire pregnancy I was obsessively worried that my in laws would be the Just No’s . I have been proven horribly wrong and have learned my mom is the JN. My mom has a long history of narcissistic behaviors, gaslighting, and has always been incredibly controlling.

My husband and I have a beautiful daughter who is twelve weeks old. I personally was adamant that I did not want anyone at the hospital during my labor and deliver and dealt with the backlash of that decision . The week of my delivery, my maternal grandmother lost her battle with cancer. Because of this, my husband and I agreed to allow my mother to visit in the hospital due to her grieving the loss of her mother.

This decision opened the door to my mother feeling she can boundary stomp every request and boundary my husband and I have laid out. We said no weekly visits- she has come every week for twelve weeks, we said absolutely no kissing- she does it then argues and throws a tantrum when called out for it, we said she had to change her shirt due her her status as a smoker- she threw a tantrum and refused to hold my daughter and has since lied about changing before entering our home. The list goes on and on.

There are various issues that I am well aware of and know I need to handle, I just am having difficulty handling it because it is always met with tantrums, arguments, and threats to never see my daughter again. The issue I have currently is that every single week without fail, after my mother’s visits- which also always magically end up being 5-6 hours long- my daughter is a holy terror to deal with.

On days my mom doesn’t visit, my daughter gets 3-4 solid naps in during the day and goes to bed at 8 PM and sleeps through the night, waking at 4 am for a diaper change and feed and then doesn’t wake for the day until 8 am. On days my mom does visit, she keeps my daughter awake despite my husband and I protesting and taking my daughter away for her naps; she overstimulates the crap out of my daughter and then my daughter is so overtired that we end up having to help her back to sleep after every sleep cycle. It is currently midnight and my daughter will not go to sleep. This only happens after my mom visits every week… I did confront her about it last week and was met with arguing .

I know I need to fix this issue because we cannot go on this way. I just don’t know how to discuss it or lay down the boundaries and stick to solid repercussions without massive fallout. I don’t want to keep my daughter from my mom, but I also need my mom to understand that we are the parents and she needs to respect our parenting choices.

I know I need to set boundaries and stick to them, what I need outside opinions on and help with is appropriate repercussions and I guess coping mechanisms for me when the inevitable tantrum ensues.

Thank you all so much for your responses. My husband and I have read them all twice over. You are all 100% right and I need to put my big girl pants on and just stick to the boundaries and consequences of breaking them. My daughter is my number one priority and I need to show that by my actions now more than ever. We have already implemented a no visits at the house rule, we have discussed that each time she boundary stomps, a one week TO will be implemented. I will have to learn to be okay with her threats and follow through with letting her do so on her end .

We also will be going on a TO following my meeting with her and discussing these issues with her this weekend