JNMom guilt

Reflecting today on something my aunt said. I’m generally LC with my mom. We moved 750 miles from her before we settled down and that worked out fine . Now that we have a daughter she has become overly attached , and forces us through unbearable facetimes where she just wants my daughter to entertain her. She gets extremely butthurt when my 3 yr old runs off to to play instead of talking/listening to Grandma. My husband and I are on the same page in regards to monitoring their interactions and never leave her alone with my mom when she does visit. When we visit my mom does weird stuff like trying to force us to let 3yo sleep in her bed. We have laid down the law in those situations. Fast forward to now. I’m expecting a second daughter any day.

Mom calls today all mopey and sad saying she’s sorry she can’t be here to “help”. Let me be clear we don’t need “help” with the baby. I am so sick and tired of people saying they’re coming to help, when in reality they’re here to soak up newborn vibes so I can “get some things done” aka housework. My mom seems to have forgotten how to even handle a baby since I was born, and was very awkward/not useful when 3yo was born. All she wanted to do is take her for walks 24/7 and have “alone time” with her. Otherwise she acts like she has never been around a child before. Always off on her age-appropriate expectations of a newborn/toddler/child etc.

Mom has decided to book herself an airbnb for 4 months next winter under the guise of “escaping the winter” up north. Husband and I both wfh and 3yo is in full time daycare. She was mind-blown that I’m not pulling 3yo from daycare to spend all day with her? And expects that she will come over every day to watch our infant. We are going to lay down some boundaries on when/how much that’s going to happen. Honestly it will probably be more work/distraction to have her in the house than not because she needs so much supervision and help with the baby. She’s spent about 10k on the airbnb, and husband says we should make an effort to let her be included in some things because she is lonely, depressed, etc. She has had mental health issues as long as I can remember. I often spent time at my Grandma’s , including once I was kicked out of the house to stay there because she had a meltdown about me being “lazy” and was in the midst of changing medications I guess. There was a lot of crying.

While discussing with my aunt today she reminded me that my mom had a complete mental/nervous breakdown when I was about 12. I had honestly totally forgotten, and wasn’t involved in it because I was off doing extracurriculars and whatever else. Her boyfriend handled most of it and kept me out of it thankfully. It had to do with her job I remember. Around this time is when I started to really get frustrated/annoyed with her and her clingyness and odd personality traits attributed this to my growing up and finally taking notice, but maybe the breakdown changed her? As i grew up and into college, she would try to micromanage me and boss me around while also periodically sobbing at me and asking why we aren’t like Gilmore Girls. She has been trying to force that type of relationship for years, and has now mostly given up and decided to resent me instead.

She has shown some regressive behaviors with social cues, interactions, impulse control, etc. Nothing particularly dangerous, but annoying and more like she’s a teenager than 64. Her last boyfriend left after she basically micromanaged him to death.

Let me be clear that we are on top of her relationship with my children. We do not allow her to be alone with them and aren’t afraid to give her boundaries. She acts like a puppy-hit-with-newspaper every time we do, but oh well.

Now that I remember her breakdown, I’ve been thinking and feeling guilty for being frustrated with her. Does anyone have experience this this? Am I treating her unfairly for something she can’t control?

JNMom guilt